Hiraeth
by odunhams
Summary: "I think…" Donna shakily breathes out, eyes slowly sweeping across the luminous Seattle skyline behind Harvey, an attempt to compose herself before she resolves in meeting his soft, pleading gaze that threatens to undo her all over again. "I think…I made a mistake when I said I could do this." (Post 9x10)


Eyes flickering between the clock on the wall, ticking both ever so slowly towards the hour but also aggressively counting down to an end to _another _monotonous day, and her online calendar, Donna let out a deep sigh glancing over her complete task list. Complete as it had been for the last hour, the last two hours, and if she would stop lying to herself, complete as it had been just before lunch, when prior to a quick bite to eat with Rachel she had performed a similar routine. Another cursory glance at her mailbox, secretly willing an email appearing with an emergency only she can solve. But it doesn't. Thinking back to lunch again, when Donna quietly listened to Rachel fuss over her increasing workload, she knew that email would not be coming tonight. Or any night. It wasn't that they didn't need someone to help run the day-to-day operations, they did. But the size of the organisation and already defined functionalities of different departments meant the COO-type position required the experience of someone not used to running a firm of hundreds of lawyers and support staff.

Slipping on her coat and dropping a pen and her phone into her bag, Donna pushes her chair under the desk and strides out of her office. In a couple of steps she arrives at the doorway of her husband's, who is so focused on the paper in his hand that he doesn't sense her arrival.

"Hey." her husband looks up from sheet one of what looks like a hundred on his desk to his doorway where she stands. "You ready to go?"

"Donna, hey…" Harvey exhales, eyes relaxing and lips curving up into a warm smile when he meets her loving gaze. Glancing back down at the papers stacked in front of him, he lets out a frustrated snort and raises a paper-filled hand melodramatically. "I would have been but Oscar asked if I could have a look over these positions before he goes to court next week. Just finished them he said. Okayed it with Mike, who by the way still insists I sit second chair on every case. Can you believe it? Three months we've been here!"

"Unbelievable." Donna agrees, forcing a tighter smile onto her face upon the realisation that her husband would not be leaving with her this Friday night. Harvey, rolling his eyes, rises and gently grasps her elbows, pulling her close and giving her a small kiss.

"I knew you'd agree with me."

"Always Harvey, you know that."

Smiling at each other, both forgetting momentarily about his task and her desire to leave the building that has held her in boredom for the better half of the day. Dragging a finger down his tie, twirling the end around her finger, Donna looks up.

"Want me to wait?" Silently hoping for a two worded reply.

"Well… the thing is…" Harvey begins, hands locked behind Donna's back, pulling her flush against him as her palms move to his chest. "Oscar said he'd stop by in about an hour to go over everything and then he and a few of the guys are going to that place round the corner… Danny's… for a couple of beers and he invited me along. Thought I might get one and…"

"Go have fun? Socialise? Make some friends?"

"Exactly. What better way to bond and see if any of them are as terrible as Louis. Thank _god _we're getting beers and not going mudding." At the mention of their New York friend, Donna's eyes flashed with something Harvey couldn't decipher and her arms fell to his forearms, which were still locking her in place against him.

"Well… I'll see you at home then."

"Want me to grab dinner? That Thai place?"

She looks down quickly before returning her eyes to his. "Sure. Whatever you want. See you later." Turning around to leave, she pauses as he softly calls after her.

"Hey, everything okay? You know I would much rather spend my evening with you. Say the word, I'll be home."

"No Harvey, it's fine. I know you've been waiting for this invitation from the guys for ages. Have fun."

* * *

Harvey enters their dimly lit rented apartment, not too dissimilar from his old one in New York, a little after eight and is met by an eerie silence. Peering round a beam in the hallway, he spies Donna on the sofa, nursing a glass of wine and engrossed in her phone. He pauses, taking full advantage of observing her while she's distracted, one of his favourite pastimes. While he looks at her, he notices how her eyes gaze longingly at her phone and there's something about her posture, curled in on herself and sitting in their silent apartment, that gives him pause. Harvey can't help but think how small and fragile she looks, words seldom used to describe his wife. Since moving to Seattle, he's noticed a slight change in her demeanour; sometimes seeming less sure of herself than she had than in New York. But then again, he's sure he's changed too. Trying to adjust from being Managing Partner to whatever he is now, not a boss but also not someone who doesn't command an air of authority among his fellow lawyers.

Refocusing his thoughts back to Donna, he thinks back to their earlier conversation, not remembering anything worrying about her behaviour. Sure, there was _something _in her eyes when he mentioned Louis, but she hadn't mentioned missing him or anything. Conscious the bag of food in his hand is getting heavier, he decides he'll ask her about it over dinner. Stepping further into the room and flicking on the lights in the kitchen, he begins to unpack their dinner into the various bowls Donna has set up.

"You would not believe…" He chatters, moving between the kitchen counter and the table. Donna, half listening, glances once more at her phone before discreetly rubbing an eye and moving to the table. As Harvey continues to tell Donna about his evening, something about a pool table and a couple of guys from the office, she takes a seat.

"Looks nice." She says, spooning a few items onto her plate. Smiling back at her, Harvey is content with just being with her. He moans dramatically after a few bites, attempting to entice a giggle from her. Instead, he gets nothing.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Donna flashes him a quick smile and reachers for her wine glass. "Just tired." By tired she means bored, but she doesn't want to tell him that. Not when he's finally back working with his best friend, going out and making new friends.

Harvey watches as Donna pushes some food around her plate, preoccupied with something else. It _could_ be tiredness but he's seen her tired and it's definitely not this distracted woman in front of him.

Spearing a vegetable with her fork, Donna slowly chews, closing her eyes to examine the flavours in her mouth. The Thai is nice, it's not that it isn't. It tastes slightly different compared to her beloved restaurant in New York and in Donna's opening, dramatically making the meal taste worse. Or perhaps it's Harvey praising the food after every bite, instead of mock grimacing as he had in New York, that's leaving a sour taste in her mouth. Donna decides, it's not that the food isn't good, it's just that Harvey seems to like it when she wants him to pretend to hate it, to gag and mock her just to humour her. To make her giggle at his foolish antics before cracking open a smile and making her fall in love with him all over again.

Deciding enough is enough, Harvey sets his fork down and tilts his head slightly before asking her again.

"You sure everything is okay?"

Inhaling before talking, Donna sets her knife and fork down before pushing her plate away.

"It just tastes off…"

"Tastes great to me. Here, try this…" He stabs a piece of his grilled pork and reaches across.

"Damnit, no Harvey! I don't want to try any of this! It's awful." Donna half snaps, anger shamelessly building up inside of her. And over what? A piece of grilled pork? With a shake of her head, she stands up, grabbing her wine glass and taking a large sip. Finishing her wine she stalks over to the half full bottle on the kitchen counter behind Harvey and pours herself another generous serving.

Eyes widening incredulously, Harvey turns in his chair to face his wife whose back, tense, is facing away from him.

"Donna…?" Forehead creasing as his eyes squint at the back of her head, as if trying to read her mind and get to the bottom of this abrupt outburst over the meal. With her still facing away from him, he can't see her roll her eyes upwards, she herself questioning why of all times she had to pick now for this conversation.

"It's _fine _Harvey." Her voice wavering. Everything was anything but fine and they both knew it.

"Donna, it's not fine. You and I both know it's not. If it were, you wouldn't be about to lose it over…"

"I'm not about to lose it!" Donna exclaims, eyes flashing as she turns around, cutting him off.

He doesn't want to start a fight with her. But he knows something is bothering her, and in turn, is bothering him. If he doesn't know what's wrong, how can he fix it? Seeing no other option than to play the bad guy and press her, he decides to continue.

"Okay Donna. You're not about to lose it. But _something _is going on with you and I want to know so I can fix whatever it is."

"I don't know if this can be fixed Harv…"

She's scaring him now. Has he done something? Did _he _say something to upset her so deeply without even knowing it? Keeping a check on his own emotions and rising panic, he moves to stand behind her and carefully turns her around to face him. The fact that she won't even look at him scares him. Her lips quivering with every deep breath she takes, clearly whatever she has to say is going to affect them in a monumental way.

He doesn't want to think the worst, the irrational side of him already telling him that she's fed up with him and that she wants out. He can't help it. What if the result of thirteen years of loving him silently has left her wanting more?

"I think…" Donna shakily breathes out, eyes slowly sweeping across the luminous Seattle skyline behind Harvey, an attempt to compose herself before she resolves in meeting his soft, pleading gaze that threatens to undo her all over again. "I think…I made a mistake when I said I could do this."

Harvey doesn't know how to process her words as his jaw drops, heart sinking as her eyes close tightly, un-cooperating tears escaping slowly down her face. Silence, painful and unnerving but so loud and frightening like thunder fills the room as the two stand there. Heart beating fast like a steady drum, Harvey begs her silently to finally look at him.

"Donna…" A question. A command. A plea. _Look up, please, look up. Look at me. _Harvey's eyes pleading, hands raised to frame her face but not touching. Not sure if he can, or should, not until he understands what she just said and why his wife, his _life_, is unravelling so.

"I'm sorry Harvey." She looks up, hearing his silent request and meets his eyes.

"A mistake with…" _Us? _Unable to finish his sentence, lips wavering as his eyes feel heavy and wet. Seconds that feel like hours pass between them, both afraid the next words that will come from Donna's lips will finally tear them apart for good.

"I hate Seattle. The sky is just grey _all the time,_ and the rain? Does it ever end? I don't think we've had one day here where it hasn't been drizzling or pouring or _both _at once which, frankly, is a scientific mystery_. _And the people, they're polite enough, but when was the last time we had drinks or even dinner with anyone other than Rachel and Mike? It's taken _three _months for the people we work with to invite you for drinks. I hate being three hours behind everyone we love. And I just…I just…hate it."

Donna stares at him, hoping she hasn't just turned his world upside-down. She won't make him choose between Seattle and her, she knows he'd pick her. But she doesn't want him to resent her for making him choose, if leaving his best friend and easy Seattle life would put a strain on _their _relationship, she'll stay.

"You hate Seattle." he repeats slowly, pausing slightly before grinning widely and finally reaching for her, gently framing her face and guiding her to him. Lips kissing everywhere. Her mouth, her cheeks, her eyes, not leaving one part of her unmarked by his lips, a mixture of both of their salty tears not stopping him. Intrigued, amused and most of all, _relieved_, by his antics, Donna lets out a giggle before he catches it and they're both laughing with each other.

"Of everything you could have said… what I feared you were about to say_…"_

_"_Oh god, Harvey…" Donna holds onto his hands, still holding onto her. "You know I'm never, _ever _leaving you. I love you."

"And I love you. Which makes this easier because… I feel the same."

"What?!" Donna exclaims, tears of happiness and disbelief squirting from her eyes as she half laughs/half cries.

"I thought I could be me here, just like in New York. But case after case, week after week…" Harvey trails off as Donna nods in understanding. He doesn't need to finish with his sentence with the one person who knows him better than he knows himself.

"I just thought I'd stick it out because I thought you loved it. Being so close to Rachel, working decent hours and with our friends…"

"Harvey, let's be honest, we see Mike and Rachel a lot less than we both thought we would. They have their lives, friends they've somehow managed to find. They're so settled and together here."

"As opposed to us, unsettled…"

"But still together." Donna smiles, holding his face between her hands and gazing lovingly up at him.

"Still together." He pauses before continuing. "Even at drinks tonight, I just felt like everyone was holding back. The questions were just so… boring. They were only asking to be polite and didn't really care about the answer."

Donna frowns, she wishes she had sensed he hadn't had a good evening and had comforted him earlier instead of being wrapped up in her own head.

"So.. what should we do?"

"We go back home and start over again. Again." Harvey doesn't even think about it, he knows they can't stay in Seattle - not if it'll continue to make them both so miserable.

"Back to New York?" Eyes shifting, brain already thinking through logistics before an idea popped into her head.

"Back to New York. Unless…?

"How about Boston? At least… until the end of the year. Feel it out, see if we'll like it. Be closer to Marcus, the kids…" She suggests nervously despite never being so certain about anything, except for Harvey, in her life.

"I love you." Harvey whispers before pulling her close once again, kissing away any reply. Without breaking contact, Harvey began walking them both through the apartment and towards their bedroom.

"What about the Thai?" Donna breathes against his lips, just as they reach the edge of their bedroom.

"I really, _really _don't care…" Harvey growls before they both disappear into the darkness of their room.

* * *

Donna stirs, stretching out as something unfamiliar awakens her from sleep. Twisting her head to the side before letting out a soft moan, her hand falls to the empty space beside her. Blinking once, twice before fully opening her eyes and sitting up, sheet held up to her chest. Donna glances around the room, noting she's alone, before she directs her gaze to the window where sunlight is peaking through the curtains.

"You're up." Harvey's voice breaks the silence and snaps her out of her staring competition with the window. Striding towards her, fully clothed much to Donna's mild disappointment, he places a kiss on her head before presenting her with a mug of coffee.

"You're dressed." Donna raises an eyebrow and inhales her drink. Sitting down beside her, fingers pushing a strand of wild locks behind her ears and grinning.

"It's not raining…"

"Mhmm…"

"Want to stay now?"

"In bed?"

"In Seattle?" Harvey throws back, earning an eye roll.

"No… about last night, I meant what I said-"

"Donna, I did too. We can't stay here if we're both not happy. Besides, I may have even text Marcus this morning."

"You _what? _I didn't say you could do that." Donna teases. Shrugging his shoulders, Harvey digs out his phone and shows Donna the excited text from his brother. Watching the smile spread across her face as she reads the message, Harvey knows their mutual decision last night is for the best.

"What do you say we take advantage of the sunshine outside and say goodbye to Seattle?"

"You know we barely said hello right?"

"I think we said all we needed to." Harvey shrugs. "Anyway, I found this gorgeous little café earlier on Instagram. And I happen to know that between our interrupted dinner last night and our…activities after, you certainly worked up an appetite."

"Wait… you know what _Instagram_ is? Harvey? I…" Donna trails off, once again in their time together, rendered speechless by this new revelation from her husband.

"Of course I do. Have a look at my account, it's a hit." Harvey gleams, gesturing to the phone still in her hands. Donna, one handedly already unlocking his phone, pushes her now empty mug in her husband's direction. Eyes focused on the task at hand. Opening the app, she lets out a stifled scream as she scans over her husbands posts. Some of the mountains surrounding Seattle, a couple of throwback (and yes, _hashtagged) _shots of New York, but mostly, a large proportion are of her. Nearly all candid shots; full on laughing, engrossed in her phone on a street corner, curled up on the sofa with a book in her hands and blanket gathered around her waist, and one very masterfully taken because Donna is Donna-percent sure she is 100% naked out of the frame.

"_Who are you?" _Donna squints at her husband, whose smile, so full of love, is illuminated more by the streaks of sun sneaking through the curtains. Quickly raising his camera she snaps a photo for her own personal Instagram, which she now has to make as to get him back, pic for pic. And she's pretty sure a gem she has saved on her own phone, of him standing sans clothes, only boxers, preparing pancakes with a kitchen towel thrown over his shoulder is going to make her win the Instagram-off she's sure they'll have.

Playfully, Harvey dives forward, making feeble attempts to reclaim his phone but only succeeds in making Donna giggle harder. Hovering just above her, he gives her a quick peck before standing up, pulling her out of bed and directing her to her closet to get her dressed.

* * *

After a weekend of seeing Seattle in a new light, _or just daylight _Donna joked, Monday morning rolled around and while they both were euphoric after their weekend, they felt apprehensive about telling their friends they wanted to leave. Walking hand-in-hand, the couple walked directly to Mike's office, and entered.

"Hey kid." Harvey cleared his throat, announcing their presence to their young friend-boss, who was already scribbling notes down on a legal pad.

"Harvey, Donna! Good weekend?"

"It was great…"

"We really took advantage of the sunshine and spent most of it walking around downtown. Even managed to squeeze in a hike yesterday morning."

"Oh yes, I saw that from your Instagram post Donna."

"Wait, what post? Donna?" Harvey, distracted already from the purpose of their visit. Holding up and hand and issuing a 'not now Harvey', Donna continued.

"And yours Mike? Did you manage to get out and about?"

"Unfortunately Rach came down with something so we just stayed in. Probably missed the only two days of sun for the rest of the year." Mike sighed, rolling his eyes as the three entered into an uneasy silence.

"Not that I don't appreciate a visit from you two this morning but…is there something I can help you with?"

"Well.."

"The thing is…"

"We, Harvey and I…" Donna clarified, unnecessarily, which further highlighted her nervousness to both men in the room. Harvey, taking his wife's hand and control of the conversation.

"Donna and I have decided to leave Seattle, Mike. We don't have a timeframe yet but…we're thinking about going to Boston. At least until the end of the year."

Mike leant back in his chair, studying his friends in front of him. Both looking as sure as the moment they decided to marry, they were serious. Before Donna could launch into a carefully prepared monologue of apologies, lamenting how they both had cherished the last few months with the Ross' and the experiences the clinic had provided, Mike slapped his knee and let out a _damn._

"Well… I guess Rachel knows you two better than I do."

"Wait-"

"What?" Donna and Harvey spluttered at the same time.

"Rachel and I may have made a bet on how long you two would last here. I said until the end of the year, Rach went with a few months. Not a specific number but we defined it as between two and five and…"

"We've been here three months."

"I can't believe you bet on us. Mike, we aren't making this decision lightly. It's not a game for us." Harvey begins, needing his friend to understand they aren't abandoning him or weren't serious all those months ago when they committed to him.

"Harvey, I know." Mike, once again raised his hand to pause the older man's unnecessary apology.

"So much has happened to you to this last year, so much change. Good, bad and everything in-between. Rachel and I are living our dream here, running this place, helping everyone we can. We're both sure that this is where we're meant to be. But right now, you both need to find a new space for just you both. Where you can lead and not follow."

Harvey and Donna sit back, both absorbing their friend's words and analysis of their last year. So much had indeed happened to them in a year, as if the universe had crammed in a decades worth of change into a few short months.

"You know there will always be a place for you here." Mike grins, pulling Harvey into a hug as Donna places a hand on his arm. Looking over at her, he continues. "Whether that place is a desk and an office, or the guest room at ours for when you come visit."

Tears in her eyes, Donna finally replaces Harvey in his hold. "Thank you Mike."

A few more moments pass, with each of the three enjoy the comfortable silence they found themselves in.

"We'll sort out logistics later but how about you guys just finish off the week, dinner at ours on Friday?"

"You got it."

Donna and Harvey both leave Mike's office, who is already on his phone texting (Rachel) with a massive grin on his face. Pausing just before she enters her office, Donna turns to look at Harvey, not surprised to see his eyes already on her.

"Well, that went well." Harvey hums in response, happy with the knowledge that both his wife and best friend were more than content with recent decisions. Everything was finally starting to feel right again.

"I'll see you later." Donna presses a kiss to her husband's cheek and, for the first time in weeks, strides purposefully into her office, eager to start the process of finding and interviewing her replacement. 

* * *

_Hiraeth - a concept of longing for home. Meaning more than solely 'missing something' or 'missing home', it implies the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person - including homesickness for what may not exist any longer._

The power this couple and show has to drag me out of writing retirement, having written just one fic in the last decade (deleted because the embarrassment). Full apologies to Seattle, I'm sure many many people would be happy there. But for the purpose of this fic, it's the most rainy, dreary and unfriendly place on earth. I was on the train home from work and this story just found its way into my head and I couldn't get it out. Subsequently, I couldn't do anything else this weekend except for write. Any mistakes in spelling or of character's behaviour is 100% my own.


End file.
